Only Villains Do That

1.44 In Which the Dark Lord Needs a Nap

Needless to say, we did not make good time on the return trip. Having the kids along slowed us considerably, especially once their energy ran out and we had to carry them. I was in much better shape after a couple of months on Ephemera and Aster had been active and athletic for basically her whole life, but neither of us were the kind of hulking muscular specimens which could carry a child each and not be slowed by it. And that wasnt even factoring in the breaks we needed to take due to the extra effort expended.

We actually took the risk of making camp for the night, in the middle of the khora forest. Not far off the old road Aster found a dead khora husk not unlike the one in which the catfolk tribe kept their Spirit, though less complete; it wasnt as fully enclosed but at least it gave us an arc of something against which to put our backs and only have to watch in a few directions. The kids were scared of the forest, but also exhausted, and they slept like logs while Aster and I napped in turns, one always keeping watch. Biribo didnt sleep and insisted he was a perfect guardian for that reason, but he couldnt fight, either, and I wanted at least one able to reach for a weapon without having to shake the sleep from their eyes at need.

I summoned a light slime for convenience; maybe because of that, no predators or catfolk decided to try their luck with an obvious Blessed. I wouldnt have called it a peaceful night, but the kids were somewhat rejuvenated and Aster and I managed a couple of hours of rest each. When we left, I took the slime with us, rather than letting it join the ecosystem where god knew what might happen. It rode on my shoulder, its melon-like weight not that bad now that the young ones were walking again.

They werent properly rested, though, and we were back to carrying them by the time the battlements of North Watch rose into view between the khora fronds. I didnt even have time to point them out to the kids before the frantic barking started.

Benit hid behind my legs as Junko came barreling out of the broken gates; Radon, bless him, tried to plant himself between Benit and the dog, but I just knelt to welcome Junko with a hug which she immediately wriggled out of in her frantic excitement.

Its okay, Aster reassured our new charges, clearly amused. This is Junko, shes Lord Seijis dog. Shes actually very nice as long as youre nice to her.

Looks like one of the strays from outside the Gutters, Benit muttered, shying back again as a furiously tail-wagging Junko tried to sniff her.

Funny story about that, I said cheerfully, still scratching the dogs ears.

Those things have killed Rats, Radon said, calmer but still extremely wary around the excitable animal which was about as big as he was. I knew a girl got eaten by a pack.

Well, there went my nascent good mood. God damn it, Ephemera, why was there always something horrible around every corner?

Junko, heel. Thanks to the influence of Tame Beast, Id not had to do any actual training aside from teaching her what the commands were; she obeyed instantly, looking up at me with those big eyes and her tail still wagging. I preferred to let her work off her energy as a rule, but the kids noticeably calmed now that the dog was calm. We can tell stories and the like later. Right now, lets get you kids an actual meal and some real rest in a proper bed.

I knew little about kids; wasnt there some stereotype about them being reluctant to go to bed? I figured it would be the prospect of real food that appealed to them most, but apparently that just revealed my ignorance.

A bed? Benit asked in clear surprise. Wait, for us?

Surely you have beds.

She shook her head. My sleeping spot is a blanket against the wall. Usually. Sometimes its easier to just sleep on the roof, when one of the bigger kids gets in a mood.

I sleep on a shelf, Radon added.

I turned and started walking again toward the gates, at least in part so they wouldnt see my expression. This was what Id left them in for weeks so I could use them to gather information for me. And what had I even gained from it, apart from some city gossip? Maybe Virya was right about me. Brushing the light slime off my shoulder, I gave it a mental nudge through the bond of Tame Beast and sent it into the fortress. Either Id find and bottle it later, or somebody else would.

We dont mind sharing, Lord Seiji, Benit said quickly, apparently misinterpreting my silence. Were small! If theres a free bed, thats surely big enough for

A bed each, I stated. Youve earned that, at the very least.

Cmon, guys, were almost there, Aster prompted. With Junko and the children trailing along, we crossed the last steps to the old fortresss gates, where the noise from within the walls already told me what my next headache was going to be.

Wed started out from Gwyllthean in the late morning, and thanks to the incredibly slow pace set by having to handhold the two youngsters, we were just arriving home as dawn was beginning to break. I was gratified to see, upon stepping inside the gates, that Kasser had kept the place running and the schedule intact: everyone was assembled in the courtyard for exercise and training, as I had directed. It was less gratifying to see how that was going today.

Training was suspended; my new army was clustered in two rings making various communal noises, one around Sicellit who was on the ground bleeding from a head wound, and one around Jadrin and Adelly, who were practically nose-to-nose, screaming in borderline incoherent rage, and clearly seconds from mutually attempted homicide.

I had left them alone for one day.

Lord Seiji, said Kasser in clear relief. Miss Minifrit stood next to him, idly smoking that long pipe of hers and watching the incipient fight with a wry expression.

Kasser, I said, then ignited a burst of pink light around Sicellit which caused the women surrounding her to yelp and jump back. Heal. Minifrit, were you planning to do anything about this?

Yes, she said evenly, after it has concluded. That is the appropriate time to dispense consequences, and trying to break up a fight between two individuals who are each better fighters than I is a fine way to acquire a black eye and lose credibility in front of my employees. Lord Seiji, did you really just adopt two Gutter Rats?

Oh, you would not believe the stuff he drags home, Sakin said merrily, sidling up to her. Minifrit gave him a sidelong look of unvarnished dislike, earning a flirtatious wink in response.

Well, clearly I had successfully built myself an organization composed entirely of discipline problems. I was about to comment further, but that was the moment Adelly gave Jadrin a hard shove, prompting a chorus of catcalls from the onlookers. Predictably, Jadrin recovered from her stumble and surged forward with a fist and the clear intent to inflict debilitating damage.

Windburst.

For some reason, I kept underestimating how powerful that spell was; its a small and brief movement of air, which you somehow never expect to be typhoon strength. Id seen a Gwyllthean Kingsguard use that on Flaethwyn and it threw her across the street. I was a good ten meters from the knot of women about to dissolve into a brawl, so it merely knocked them all down.

Ara, ara, ara, I drawled, my boots crunching on gravel in the sudden ominous quiet as I paced toward them. What a unique method of training youve discovered. All right, whos the lucky winner who gets to explain this to me?

Jadrin was back on her feet almost immediately, followed a half second later by Adelly. It was the latter who managed to speak first.

Lord Seiji! Wed be getting a lot more training done if this maniac wasnt using it as an excuse to beat the shit out of everyone!

Oh, spare me your fucking whining, Jadrin snarled back. What kind of soft-headed corebait expects to teach people how to fight and not get bruised? Im trying to keep these girls alive, no thanks to your sniveling

Bullshit! What youre doing has nothing to do with necessary force, you are going out of your way to cause pain and humiliation and you fucking know it. Dont even pretend

Sakin? I asked loudly.

There is an underlying difference of training methods here, he chirped, plus a personality clash. Ive seen the effectiveness of what Jadrins been trying to do in a variety of places and I do think Adellys overstating the problem, but just for the record, I would not use such rough methods with this particular crew, Lord Seiji. You dont kick rank beginners around like veterans and expect them to gain more from it than a bootprint on the ass and a bad attitude. They gotta internalize the fundamentals before the real whipping into shape can begin.

All right, then, I said, attempting to project evenness and calm. Much as I would like to take the time and ensure you all learn to get along, we are on a much less forgiving timetable than Id hoped, ladies. So heres the short version: Adelly, stop taking things so personally. Jadrin, chill out. Clear? Good. Adelly, please take over here for now. Jadrin, I need

Youve gotta be kidding me! Jadrin erupted, stomping toward me and brandishing an accusing finger at Adelly. If she has her way, these miserable whores are never gonna be fit to stand

Slimeshot.

The slime ripped past her ear at a notable fraction of the speed of sound, barely a centimeter from grazing her head or shoulder; the passage whipped her hair instantly into complete disarray. Behind her, the slime impacted the wall of the fortress hard enough to splatter droplets of it in every direction. Jadrin froze in place, eyes bulging.

I understand how it is, Jadrin, I said. Calmly, quietly, with a kind smile. Its been a rough morning, youve already got your heart rate up from exercising, and that was before you had that extremely irritating shouting match. I get it; your bloods rushing, youre in the heat of the moment, and you accidentally forgot who you are talking to.

I let the sudden silence hang for a full measure of four/four time, lento. Jadrin remained exactly as she was, as if suddenly afraid to move. In her wide eyes, I could practically see the other night in the barn replaying. Flames, screaming, blood, and slimes. It really said something that after the lifetime of shit this woman had endured, in one night I became the thing she was most afraid of. And yet, right after that experience, shed volunteered to join me with avid determination.

How did I even begin to untangle the psychology of someone like this? Or any of them, for that matter; it didnt take a drill sergeant to see that this group of women was barely under control, to put it generously. I was starting to suspect that my years of reading up on internet pop psychology hadnt actually prepared me to lead people in real life.

Alls forgiven, I said after my grand pause, widening my smile. Going forward, however, I expect you to get that temper under control. Im only willing to repeat myself a very limited number of times, Jadrin. How limited? Thats a secret. Its a guessing game with no prize, and no winners. The only question is how badly you lose.

She swallowed heavily, the nodded. Yes, Lord Seiji.

Behind me, Sakin cleared his throat. Ah, Lord Seiji. Would you mind if I tried?

I turned to give him a speculative look, which he met with his customary expression of good-natured innocence that practically made my skin crawl. Obviously, it was a mistake to let this guy off his leash in even a limited capacity when I didnt know specifically what he was planning to do. On the other hand, I had the strong sense that intimidating Jadrin was not making any constructive progress toward enforcing actual discipline around here, and Sakin knew a lot more than I did aboutwell, a lot of things.

By all means, I said graciously, stepping aside.

Jadrin, baby, he cooed, sauntering forward and instantly making her revert to a glare and clenched fists; I already had a bad feeling about this. Lemme ask you a question: what did you learn just now?

Uhwhat? She squinted at him, then glanced at me. Dont fuck with Lord Seiji? But I already

You already knew that, he said, nodding. You have seen vividly the consequences of fucking with Lord Seiji; that was not a useful lesson. Making him enforce discipline only helps him, it doesnt help you. And thats fine, because enforcing discipline is what he was trying to do. Now, if he was trying to teach you something constructivewell, that wouldve been a big waste of time, now wouldnt it? See what Im getting at?

Thats not the She caught herself, stiffening in visible frustration. I dont appreciate being called a fucking bully when Im trying to help. These girls are not ready for whats coming. If they dont get whipped into shape

Sure, youre dead right there, he said agreeably. Its a question of technique. Teaching is its own skill, Jadrin, and its not the same as just pushing at people until learning happens. You were doing it the wrong way, not trying to do the wrong thing. I can give you pointers; so can Miss Minifrit, probably, if you ask her real nicely. For now, try watching Adelly take a turn and think about what shes doing instead of what youd do differently, yeah?

Jadrin heaved a deep sigh and let it out through her teeth, a veritable portrait of someone controlling their temper. Finally, with a jerky little shrug, she turned and stalked over to the wall of the fortress. There, she leaned against it, folding her arms and looking sullen, but at least watching in the direction of the group.

Thank you, Sakin, I said. Adelly, ladies, please continue. Minifrit, Kasser, would you join Aster and I in the mess hall in a few minutes? I need to discuss strategy with you; we have a problem. Aster, can you get the kids fed and settled in? Thanks. Is Dononah, there you are. Donon, we need a hot meal for the children and then theyve got some sleep to catch up on. Also, please brew some strong tea for this meeting, and Aster and I havent had breakfast either, now that I think of it. Everybody, this is Benit and Radon. Theyve helped me a lot in the last few weeksmore than should be asked of children. They are my guests and to be made welcome, understand? When everybodys all settled in we can discuss pitching in with chores, but for now theyve got some recuperating to do.

Everyone stared at me in silence.

Well? I barked, echoed by an insistent bark from Junko, and everyone burst into a flurry of motion.

What is this problem we have? Minifrit murmured, drawing close enough to me that the spicy/sweet scent of her pipe was even more distracting than her deep cleavage. Sometimes I wondered how much of her presentation was just her being herself and how much was calculated to dazzle and disarm.

Lady Grays not waiting for me to move on the harvest festival, I said shortly. Shes taken to outright attacking all of Cat Alley in retaliation for Well. The point is, were going to have to move as quickly as possible. Every hour is being paid for in the blood of the women there, and Ive already racked up more debt than is acceptable. But we need a plan.

And you need to fully rest before enacting said plan, Aster added, managing to look severe even while holding Radon in the crook of one arm and Benit by the hand. He was outright asleep, and Benit was yawning hugely. Me, too, for that matter. Were both gonna need to be at our best for that confrontation.

Its not that youre wrong, Aster, but we dont have the luxury of time.

Aster is right, in fact, Minifrit interjected. I hope you dont think I lack sympathy for the women of Yrshith Street, Lord Seiji. For that very reason, our counterattack must succeed, and therefore must be carefully planned and also executed with our only two Blessed at their full strength.

Gotta add my vote to that, boss, said Biribo.

Fine. I rubbed at my eyes with both hands. After we get something to eat and work out a plan of attack, I promise to take a nap, okay? Minifrit, Kasser, Ill meet you in the mess hall in a few minutes, once Aster joins us. Kids, sorry about this, uh, rough introduction, but youll be safe here.

Rough? Benit blinked sleepily up at me. Youre nicer to your crew than Uncle Gently, Lord Seiji. He pretends to be nicer, but thatlooks different.

Ill bet, I said wearily. Go with Aster, Donon will get you set up with a proper meal. Sakin, while theyre settling in, a word?

At your service, Lord Seiji!

The rest of them dispersed in their various mandated directions and I led Sakin around the corner of the fortress, with my familiar buzzing along above us, leaving behind the clack of akorshil practice sticks as Adelly started walking the girls through sword forms.

Biribo, howre we on privacy?

Nobody within earshot, boss. Nobody trying, either. Thatd be hard to pull off with a crew this size, anyway. Now, once weve got most of the population of Cat Alley in here, therell be more opportunities for snooping.

Right, crowds were his weak point. I did not say that out loud in front of Sakin, even though I would be very unsurprised to learn he already knew how to get around a familiars senses.

Was it like that all day yesterday? I asked.

It built up to that over the course of the day, but the seeds of it were there from the start. The problem was you werent there, Lord Seiji. Personalities like Jadrin really need someone indisputably in charge of them. She only barely toed the line with Kasser, and that just because he had the sense not to push her.

Thats about what I figured, I sighed. I really did not want to leave them alone so soon, but

But the situation is what it is and you made the necessary call, Sakin said, nodding. I think its going to be a good long while before were in anything resembling ideal circumstances, Lord Seiji.

Yeah. Ill keep a closer eye on them going forward. For now, I want to ask your assessment of the new batch of recruits.

Theyre hopeless, he grinned, but in a way thats rectifiable. Theyve got the spirit and the anger; all thats missing is the know-how. That just takes time. Adellys a bit stiff, but shes shaking off the moss as she goes. Oh, and that girl Kastrin is a crack shot with a crossbow.

Wait, really? Kastrin?

It happens, he said, shrugging. There are some people whore just gifted. Training will only make her more terrifying, but she could put a bolt in a bastards eye at the weapons maximum controllable range the moment she picked it up. Considering the small size of this recruitment pool, we really lucked out having that kind of savant among em. A nation the size of Fflyr Dlemathlys can expect maybe one of those every two to five years among its military recruits.

Huh. How about that. Well, good, but there was one other thing I wanted your opinion about. Lady Gray keeps running circles around me, and for the most part Im pretty sure its because shes just years more experienced at this kind of thing than I am.

Good to respect your enemies, Lord Seiji, he said seriously. Gotta give em credit before you can work out how to beat them.

Right, well, more specifically, Im wondering about the possibility that shes managed to plant an agent in our ranks, now that weve suddenly grown them so fast.

Incredibly unlikely, Sakin said without hesitation.

Really? Because I cant help noticing that we went and recruited two of her own people

I wouldnt consider either of those a likely prospect, Lord Seiji. Its good that youre aware anyone might be a spy, but thats just the first step. The hard part is sussing out who is a probable suspect. Frankly, neither Jakkin nor Jadrin are good fits.

Go on, I said, frowning.

You need a spy to be unobtrusive and not draw suspicion, he explained. That rules out Jakkin, who flipped on his boss the second you scared him enough and will without question flip on you the second someone else scares him more. He has to be the target of our suspicion from the outset. That is not how you position your agent. And Jadrin is just a resentful hothead, which is entirely the wrong profile for a spy.

Unless thats an act

He chuckled, shaking his head. Sure, thats been done. But Lord Seiji, youve gotta consider who youre dealing with, and the circumstances. For the kind of deep cover agent who can build a whole backstory and project a false front for years, just on the off chance of getting recruited by someone like you? Well, the Lancor Empire employs people like that, for example. Because an empire has a need for them, and the resources to support them. Somebody like Lady Gray? No chance. The trope of the multiplicitous genius who always triumphs because they have a plan for every possible situation only exists in stories. Actual, real-world pragmatists like Gray prepare reasonable contingencies for foreseeable problems, and build enough flexibility into their organizations to be able to react to the unexpected.

Some good advice under the explanation in that. I nodded, making a mental note. It was something to keep in mind as I sorted out how my bandit army was actually going to be structured, and I didnt think for a moment he hadnt mentioned it with that in mind.

So, no spies yet.

Probably no spies, Sakin chided, grinning. Nothing is ever certain, Lord Seiji. But, yes, at this juncture I think you should reasonably focus your energies elsewhere. Speaking of which, and of Jakkin Just so were clear, you do know hes going to turn on you sooner or later, right?

Yeah, I sighed. Not out of any ambition or duplicity. All its going to take is somebody spooking him as badly as I did. And its not like hes even particularly useful

Sakin nodded, his expression pleasantly casual. Yep. If you want, I can take him for a stroll in the forest.

Back in Japan, it probably would have taken me a few moments and perhaps some prompting to understand what he was implying. After two months on Ephemera it was instantly obvious. Worse, my reflexive reaction was not horror at the idea, but considering the merits.

Not yet, I said after a short pause in which I frowned thoughtfully at the wall in front of us. The whole reason I saddled us with Jakkin in the first place was because the recruits I was actually aiming for spoke up for him, and my whole strategy has been to work on their morale. Give these women a chance to fight back, demonstrate that they can, and prove I can provide them a means to take control of their lives again. Morale being the point, I need them to trust me and know that I can protect them, and that means I cant have any arbitrary executions or mysterious disappearances.

Solid, he said, nodding. I wont lie, Lord Seiji, I mightve objected if you were just going to be soft-hearted about it, but thats excellent reasoning.

What I would like you to do is keep an eye on him, I continued. Nomore than that, try to feel him out. Figure out what makes him tick. Him and Jadrin both, for that matter; if we can get those two through their issues like I did, say, Donon, there may be a way to leverage those issues into actual loyalty, like his. Alternatively, if Jakkin is going to turn on me, its best that he do so under controlled circumstances where I can contain the consequences. And hes the perfect target to make an example of. At some point Im going to have to make it clear that the consequences for crossing me are worse than anybody wants to risk; for purposes of morale, its best if the object lesson in question is a spineless reject from Grays organization who nobody likes, instead of one of the girls.

Sakin grinned hugely. Now youre talking, Lord Seiji! I do love these moments when you remind me why I threw in with you.

As if plotting this way didnt make me feel gross enough, he just had to sprinkle salt on the wound. All this time Id been so worried Ephemera was going to be the death of me; more and more, I was starting to wonder if that might not be better than what this place was slowly turning me into.

But I wasnt ready to lie down and die just yet, so I just nodded once, turned, and strode back into the fortress to get a head start on planning my next war crimes.